Why? - Part I

sometimes life feels so meaningless. so empty. so boring. I feel like time has stopped, only to realise the time on the clock has moved by hours. The feeling is so alive, so real. Yet I know, I need to push myself and get the feeling out of my being. I no longer feel like doing much, pushing for anything, working hard for anything. Life becomes like it is - people walking past me, sun comes out and shines, the wind blows. Nothing becomes fun or exciting or stimulating anymore.

I seem to feel this existence that has come upon me, an existence speaking of nothingness. Yet it speaks something to my soul. It makes my head empty, it fills my stomach with dread, it looks upon me as a useless creature of the earth. This is a very simple, yet complicated feeling.

I do not yet understand from where it came to me, or in what form it came. I do not know how to handle it nor do I know of what will happen to me next. What I do know is that I spend minutes of my life just staring into space, zoning out, not finding interest in what I'm doing. That's only when I've finished working on my deadlines, of course. But a substantial time of my resting hours are spent just like that.

At first it revealed to me in the form of missing my friends. For some, or no reason at all, I really wish I could see my friends or talk to them. Makes me long for their company. Then, it revealed its form to me in other mysterious ways, like not wanting to eat or just wanting to do my work all day. It made me feel like reading books, just reading every single page and more books. I enjoyed that, and nothing else much. Last thing I know, I've suddenly become a slightly different person, just slightly. The feeling is subtle, but influencing me all the time. It maybe made me more or something and less of something. That something is still unknown to myself.